LaTweaka

Cell Phone, circa 1910

2009-10-27T06:13:46Z

Check it out on my other blog:

http://kraptastrophe.blogspot.com/2009/10/cell-phone-circa-1910.html

And for cryin' out loud, would you please comment on it or subscribe or "follow" me or whatever the Hell they call it?

Thankew.

I have a new blog.

2009-09-14T08:38:55Z

Please go here:

http://kraptastrophe.blogspot.com/

And sign up to "follow" me and leave comments and stuff.

Thank you.

So it's been more than five months now...

2009-06-18T03:04:39Z

...since I quit the funny stuff.

But who's counting?

Quick, write down this number!!!

2009-06-18T03:02:13Z

Spied earlier today in a shopping center on Sloat Boulevard in San Francisco:

I'm on a Motherfucking Couch, Yo!

2009-06-06T19:48:53Z

Dear Sir or Madam,

I recently posted a very funny, supportive comment on the following blog entry:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/i-quit-comedy-the-best-video-of-all-time/

Sadly, every time I check back, I still see the words, "Your comment is awaiting moderation," meaning, I guess, that the whole world will be deprived of my contribution unless or until some actual person gets off their lazy ass and moderates my comment.

Why is this? Is it because I'm new here? Is it because my comment contains links to the very funny and excellent Photoshop images which I created specifically because the blog entry in question called for such images to be created?

I suppose I should have a good sense of humor about such things, and I should be patient and all, but please understand that I have NO LIFE. Ever since I quit smoking speed, I've gained a LOT of weight, and that makes me much less enthusiastic about leaving the house or socializing with people in the outside world or getting a job or pursuing worthwhile hobbies or goals. Posting witty things on the Web is all I have.

So, would you please make my damned comment appear so I can at least get some small crumb of satisfaction from the effort I put in?

Wait, you know what? All the spontaneity is lost at this point. Thanks to my lack of patience and whatever stupid, arbitrary safeguards your stupid system has stupidly put in place, something that should have been fun and humorous will now seem forced. I guess I'd still like to have my comment appear, but if it does, whatever joy I might have originally derived from its appearing will now be replaced by nothing but a grim sense of closure.

I never should have quit using drugs.

Many Thanks,

Brendan P. Bartholomew, esq.

PS: Sorry if this is the second time you're receiving this, but your "Contact Us" form gave me no indication that I'd successfully submitted this message. It's just as stupid as the safeguards which are causing my blog comment to await moderation.

God damn it.

I am the LAST person to laugh at a rape joke

2009-05-28T12:56:58Z

But I'm laughin' pretty hard at Yelp right now!

Idiots.

Add SIZZLE to Your Summer!

2009-05-25T10:18:34Z

It's been a month now....

2009-02-08T11:33:05Z

...and I'm still off the drugs!

I fill up the huge, empty void in my life by compulsively over-eating and taking several baths per day. I like to actually eat my meals while in the bath tub for some reason.

The End of an Era.

2009-01-24T10:00:21Z

I thought I should chime in and let y'all know I'm currently in the process of getting clean after many, many long years of recreational drug abuse. Therefore, I haven't been on the computer lately. I've gone without my drug of choice, crystal methamphetamine, for nearly two weeks now. Two weeks is nothing, but it's a start...

Prior to my years of avid speed consumption, I was a marijuana enthusiast for at least a decade or so.

Also did my fair share of acid, ecstasy, and mushrooms back in the day, none of which are the kind of drug you'd want to do on a regular basis, though I certainly do cherish the experiences they facilitated...

The thing is...

Now I've done every kind of drug except for heroin, PCP, peyote, and DMT, none of which I intend to mess with.

So without speed in my life, that leaves...

The normal waking state of consciousness.

Horrors!

Anyway, if you don't hear from me for a while, it's 'cause I'm doing that gettin' clean thing. Please don't be offended.

:-)

All the best sites link to my content!

2008-12-25T20:29:58Z

http://www.bondagefilmpjes.nl/watch-video/NF6sb-saq5g/FormerlyFlightsuit/carwash-porn.html

This is what happens when:

a) Horny pervs on the Web are not at all clear on the concept...

and/or

b) You rely on an algorithm in a script to do your porn-finding for you.

Fuckin' idiots.

I hope my videos put a damper on their wanking.

I'm not quite sure where I took this picture...

2008-12-25T15:10:53Z

It's a lovely sentiment, though.

Thank You for doing the right thing.

2008-12-25T08:17:58Z

So the following piece recently appeared in the Washington Post:

I'm Still Tortured by What I Saw in Iraq

At the risk of embarrassing myself, I let a few people see the deeply emotional letter that I wrote to the essay's author. I was surprised by the positive reactions I got, so I'm now sharing that letter with you. Here's what I needed to tell him:

Dear Mr. Alexander,

I caught part of your interview on the radio earlier today, and in addition to your obvious integrity and expertise, the thing that made the most lasting impression upon me was the thoughtfulness, intelligence, and generally good-natured disposition that your voice conveyed.

Ask the average person to visualize somebody described by the words, "military," "soldier," or "interrogator," and then ask them to imagine this person speaking:
The person conjured up in their mind's eye (and ear) won't sound nearly as articulate or understanding as the fair-minded optimist I heard on the radio today.

I sometimes find myself listening to Sean Hannity on the local conservative, talk-radio station, and in the course of a typical show, he speaks with like-minded listeners who begin or end their on-air phone calls by saying "You're a great American, Sean," to which he emphatically responds, "No, YOU'RE a great American!"

These exchanges of gushing praise frequently precede or conclude conversations in which Hannity and his callers seethe with contempt for those who'd dare humanize the enemy, lament the erosion of the Geneva Convention, or express nostalgia for the rule of law and other antiquated notions.

While you were in a war zone matching wits with antagonists diverse, unorthodox, and deadly...

As you defeated our enemies by using polite conversation to turn their own fighters against them, Sean Hannity and his ilk were scoring decisive victories against civil discourse, informed opinion, rational debate, objectivity, and critical thinking.

When I contemplate the thinly veiled prejudice with which these media-savvy, covert bigots ceaselessly defame the New Scapegoats, when I listen as these tough-talking quislings, --who are well out of harm's way-- presume to advise America as to how this war ought to be waged...

When I hear these self-satisfied rabble-rousers pumping each other up with their mutually masturbatory "You're a great American" mantra, I now listen with renewed indignation. It was on their watch, under the regime they so cynically supported, that my country, for the first time in its proud, mythic history, really truly, damned-near lost the good will of the world.

Our captains of industry and heads of state tried to brazenly steal and squander the tremendous national asset that is every soldier's decision to serve. They would have succeeded, were it not for rare individuals like you resisting their pressure and subtle requests with the same careful temerity that would have been required if you were disobeying an illegal order, as opposed to ignoring an immoral suggestion. You refused to be anybody's instrument of cruelty, and you refused with enough political insight, people skills, subtlety, military experience and brains that our own high-ranking bad guys, --both the incompetent and the downright evil-- couldn't stop you from exposing them to the harsh, cleansing glare of daylight.

The war cheerleaders on AM radio haven't earned the right to be called great Americans, certainly not in recognition of their many years spent chasing fame and personal power in the private sector. Let them explain how any of that equals what you've done to protect your country and uphold humanity.

So thank you. Matthew Alexander.

Thank you for making an obstacle of yourself that stood between some powerful interests and their treasonous, entrepreneurial goals.

Thank you for being a skilled warrior and a compassionate human being.

Thank you for the fact that during one of this republic's darkest hours, you chose the path that was difficult, virtuous, filled with hard work, and quite risky.

Thank you Sir,

for being

A Great American.

Kind Regards,

Brendan P. Bartholomew
Pacifica, CA

This is all so sudden...

2008-12-22T09:16:43Z

Your result for Lucy's Bedroom Test...

You are Lucy's new boyfriend!

86% Dominant, 78% Horny, 38% Inventive and 60% Evil!

You are certainly evil and dominant enough to be my new boyfriend. Please feel free to celebrate this fact by having me pierced at will and your name tattooed on any part of my body you please. You are now ready to lock me in the attic while you order expensive camera equipment using my credit cards and set up my all-action, 24-hour streaming live sex website. Don’t forget to email everyone in my address book to let them know about it.

Take Lucy's Bedroom Test at HelloQuizzy

I really hate it when people post quiz results in lieu of actual journal entries. It shows great laziness and a lack of creativity, in my opinion.

YES! Holy Fuck! I am SO much blacker than you!

2008-12-19T13:29:12Z

Well, except for those of you who are actually black.

All the rest of y'all? Be you Caucasoid, Mongoloid, Bumiputra, Mestizo, Australopithecine, Choctaw, Arapaho, Annunaki, Eben, Hebrewish, Santa Rosan, Cypriot, Tamil, or Blue Man of Morocco, all y'all can just hang it up, 'cause His Royal Phatness, the Artiste Formerly Known as Sir Jerk-a-Lot, is now officially blacker than all y'all, blacker by many orders of magnitude.

To wit,

Your result for The Africa Test...

The Expert

11-15 points!

Congrats, you know quite a lot about Africa! If you're not a native of the continent, you took a lot of classes about Africa or are just very interested in knowing as much as you can. Either way, you've become quite an expert and could hold your own in a conversation with African natives. Well done!

Take The Africa Test at HelloQuizzy

Is it normal for Aliens to refuse to perform an anal probe?

2008-11-29T14:29:45Z

Hey, you know me, always up for new experiences! I assured those li'l buggers I'd respect their boundaries and all, but I'm afraid maybe they thought I was kinda creepy or something:

It's the terror of knowing what this World is about

2008-11-23T16:44:30Z

Jesus Fucking Christ! Can I disown the human race?

I have always nursed a serious grudge against Homo Sapiens Sapiens, and I long to pay humanity back for all the cruelty and disappointment it has visited upon me, but I'm also one of those "people kinda persons" whose interactions with others are colored by an habitual optimism. I am lulled into a false sense of inter-connectedness by my ability to perceive and bring out the best in people. This, and my stupid wishful thinking, have too often caused me to almost act like I have faith in the fundamental goodness of humanity.

Fortunately, the following news item just happened to come along and remind me who Homo Sap really is (please do not watch this video if you are at all disturbed by the sight of people who've been set on fire in order to provide a bunch of peasants with a little entertainment):

http://www.javno.tv/en/index.php?id=11759j25926f529e257c

Allow the above horror to truly sink in, and it becomes very easy to think and say, "There is no God."

I only wish it were true, because God not existing is not quite as heartbreaking as the thought that He, She, or It does exist, and permits such atrocity to flourish everywhere.

It would be better for God to not exist, as that would eliminate the necessity of my spitting in His face when I meet Him.

I used to like this band whose name I forget. They had this song that went, "Let's form a line and march to Heaven and try to destroy it/ We should demand our just reward in time to enjoy it."

If our Heavenly Father exists, He is an absentee father who is guilty of molesting His own children.

Think about it. Pedophiles tend to be people who were inappropriately sexualized at a very young age. Violent felons tend to have been beaten by their parents. Observe a person's behavior, and you can intuit an awful lot about his parents.

What, therefore, shall we conclude about God the Father, when we have only His children's conduct to guide us?

I am coming for you God, and you've got some 'splainin' to do.

Well at least I have this going for me.

2008-11-21T08:39:23Z

Your result for The Commonly Confused Words Test...

English Genius

You scored 93% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 80% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

Take The Commonly Confused Words Test at HelloQuizzy

My latest videos...

2008-11-20T10:10:09Z

Enjoy!

Not sure if I should be proud of.

2008-11-05T02:02:14Z

Your result for The How San Francisco Are You? Test...

Native Dweller

You are likely the highest form of human being: The San Francisco Native Dweller, a person born, bred, and currently living in San Francisco. Nothing more need be said.

Take The How San Francisco Are You? Test at HelloQuizzy

So what if Palin's a "MILF?" My ass is bigger than hers...

2008-10-23T14:32:12Z

...and I'm far more of a bookish, glasses-wearing nerd than she is. So if you're so lame that you're gonna choose your nation's leadership according to who holds the most promise of enabling you to live out your most depraved, "Hot Porn Librarian" fantasies, there is only one choice:

Brendan in a dress!

Seriously.

Need I remind you that the Milf from Eskimo town is about to become a Grand-Milf? My fellow perverts, I may be old, but I've never fucking reproduced, nor shall I ever do so. Hence you may squeeze my rotund ass into whatever librarian/secretary/nun/Mrs. Robinson costume you can think of and rest assured that in the years to come, when you're still fantasizing about that lovely image, I will be no more of a grandparent than I am today!

What, you need more convincing?

Oh, I get it...

You're one of those "hip," with-it, cutting-edge, groovy type young people. You're thinkin' McCain 'cause you feel he's plugged in to your Web 2.0, twenty-first century, L337-speakin' pinball playin', youth counterculture lifestyle, right?

Well let me assure you that although I am old, and I'm not nearly as mentally or physically healthy as Senator McCain, I'm also not as old as he is! Furthermore, I am much more in touch with you rotten, freeloading, law-breaking youngsters and your sickening priorities. But don't take my word for it! Please listen to what one of your own egocentric, substance-abusing, indelicate, uncouth peers has to say about Candidate Bartholomew:

What do you MEAN, you haven't been staying current on my videos!?

2008-10-23T13:57:10Z

WTF is wrong with you? Do you have any idea what you're missing!?

BEHOLD: Chairman Mao's Crack Torch!

Shameful Verizon Story of the Week.

2008-09-18T01:31:42Z

http://consumerist.com/5051343/verizon-refuses-to-help-locate-body-of-missing-woman-for-four-days

Words fail me.

Which Unstoppable Behemoth are You?

2008-08-28T16:00:38Z

Your result for The Godzilla Personality Test!...

Godzilla: King of the Monsters!

Godzilla. The Original Badass. Congratulations, Mr. Mutated Dinosaur.

Bad News: You tend to have nuclear meltdowns on rare occasions (Godzilla vs. Destroyah) and you have a weakness to this thing called the Oxygen Destroyer. So you're not completely invincible.

Good News: You might as well be though. You've fought every monster out there and you usually come out on top. Sure you had your goofy moments in the 70's but really you are one bad son of a bitch, and everybody knows it. You have a lot of respect and people know when to get out of your way. Congrats, you're like the Fonzie of giant monsters! Oh and you tend to get mad whenever someone screws up the environment so hey good for you.

Take The Godzilla Personality Test! at HelloQuizzy

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

2008-08-20T21:22:50Z

As they so often do, CoastToCoastAM.com has once again allowed their own credibility to be eroded by placing on their site the following link:

Five Mysterious Skulls

The above-referenced "article" is a prime example of why bloggers must not be mistaken for journalists. Forgive me if that sounds mean, but I am SO sick and tired of the amateurism that plagues those of us who want to read about paranormal or anomalous subjects.

I posted a comment on the article itself, but the blog owner's got comment moderation turned on, so it remains to be seen whether my criticism appears there. In case it doesn't, I'm using this space to explain my disdain:

Forget for a moment the fact that this article cites no sources, other than the photo attributions.

I knew this article's author wasn't interested in serious, scientific inquiry, --or in research or fact-checking of any kind-- soon as I saw the caption underneath the two photos of "horned" people, which reads,
"Instances today of genetic throwbacks to this race."

Okay...

"Genetic throwbacks..."

Throwbacks? According to whom?

"...to this race."

Back to what race, exactly, are these people throwing?

The most cursory bit of Googling reveals that the "horned" individual in the photo on the left is 98 year old Ma Zhong Nan, one of the many people, past and present, whose horn-like growths have been documented in medical literature.

There are various conditions which can cause humans to grow horn-like structures on their heads or faces, with skin warts and related wart-type growths being the most common. Pre-malignant and cancerous growths account for most of the rest.

In none of these cases do people have actual horns, nor is there one scrap of evidence to suggest that they are in any way genetic throwbacks to some long-forgotten, horned branch of the hominid family.

8/21/08 6:17AM

UPDATE:

Well I gotta give the blogger some credit, 'cause I see that he's permitted my scathing criticism to appear as a comment on his article. That's more than some touchy, social-bloggarhythmic people would allow.

Hey, "bloggarhythmic..."

I just made up a word.

I wonder what, exactly, it means?

Hmmm......

Ah, hah, hah, haw, Serves you right, you fuckin' ASSHOLE!!!

2008-07-20T01:53:12Z

Couldna happened to a nicer parasite:

http://news.aol.com/news_portal/article/unification-church-founder-hurt-in-crash/90210

I'm not laughing at the one passenger who sustained a serious back injury, mind you, but the "Reverend" Moon himself? I hope that old bastard wet his pants. Cult leaders in general (and sometimes mainstream clergy, for that matter) represent an especially harmful, extreme personality type, regardless of what they happen to preach. When you find the rare cult leader who actually has the sheer hubris to proclaim himself to be The Messiah, well, that's when you know you're dealing with the true upper-echelon of ego-maniacal, amoral assholes. Let's read further, shall we?

The Rev. Sun Myung Moon Survives Chopper Crash

SEOUL, South Korea - A helicopter carrying the Rev. Sun Myung Moon crashed into a mountainside Saturday as it attempted an emergency landing, injuring the founder of the Unification Church and 15 others, officials said.
Moon, 88, was slightly injured in the crash, a hospital official said. Members of Moon's family, including his wife, were also hurt, and one person suffered a serious back injury, fire official Kim Wu-jong said.

The S-92 helicopter was carrying 16 people, including 13 church members, when it crashed and burst into flames, the transportation ministry said.

Moon and the others were treated at the nearby church-affiliated Cheongshim Hospital in Gapyeong, about 37 miles northeast of Seoul, hospital official Park Sung-kwon said.

Moon received an X-ray and his condition was not serious, Park said.

No details of his injury were given, but the church said in a brief statement on its Web site that Moon and the others were "safe."

The transportation ministry said the accident took place as the helicopter made an emergency landing due to bad visibility during heavy rain. The exact cause of the crash was still under investigation, police said.
Church official Kim Dae-yeol said the helicopter was flying to Cheongshim Hospital from southern Seoul. The Gapyeong area has several church-affiliated facilities including a museum and schools.

Moon founded the Seoul-based Unification Church in the 1950s and the conservative Washington Times newspaper in 1982. His church owns hundreds of companies around the world, including the United Press International news agency.

The church's doctrine is a mixture of Christian, Confucian and traditional Korean values, and Moon's followers believe he came into the world to complete the work of Jesus Christ.

In 2004, Moon was the center of a coronation ceremony in Washington at which he declared himself the Messiah. He also became widely known for performing mass weddings of followers.